I let somebody do for me
What I should do myself
I thought I held all the power
But I gave it up to someone else
I compromised myself
And all the things I'd learned
Because for one sweet moment in my life
Acceptance was what I yearned
So I compromised
Myself, my heart, my soul, and all my moods
That sweet girl off in the corner
Is now the chick whose being used
I gave up on myself
So my life I could leave
I'm not trying to be who I was anymore
I'll be who you want me to be
I compromised
I now am cold inside
I compromised
Now I live a lie
I compromised
I let my true self hide
I compromised
It was the day I died
I tried to be a better girl
One that you'ld approved
But now a days I get to thinking
I'm not good enough for you
So screw this mess I'm finished
I tried and then I failed
There is no excuse calling out
If the ship has already sailed
Why compromise
I won't live these lies
Why compromise
If in the end I die
Why compromise
If I failed, I tried
Why compromise
This is my life
Friday, November 14, 2008
Tosin Ola Funke
F: Who are you? Sometimes I look at you and don't even know who you are any more.
O: Who are you telling I look at her and it is almost like we never even went through middle school together? She is trying to be all sweet and soft. You know best Tosin that is not who you are.
T: I know and understand where both of you are coming from, but I can't explain it. It is inside of me and it can't get out.
O: What! That is the stupidest thing I ever heard. You have nothing inside of you it is all in your head. And even if you did you should be strong enough to keep your feelings to yourself. Man, you have become so weak.
T: I am not weak I am just changing.
F: Changing. I don't think so it seems to me like you are dying.
T: Dying! I'm not dying! I have never been
F: No you are not listening Tosin, your essence is dying. You are losing who you are daily
O: and replacing it with this affected weak version of yourself. Remember times with me? All the fun we had. Hanging out with friends AND Anthony. You know you love him.
T: Yeah, I do love Anthony he was so handsome suave charming...No no no, middle school was the worst time in my life. I was addicted to porn. I thought about suicide from dawn till dusk. I would pop prescription pills in the hope that when I went to sleep I wouldn't wake up. I cut myself with the hope that physical pain would get rid of emotional pain. I was a monster. I wanted to hurt other people so they could feel how I felt. I carried a spirit of depression and hatred along with me like a child keeps a special blanket with them. I can't go back there.
F: But you must go back Tosin. Remember elementary school? All the playing and smartness and fun. Remember when you were the only girl in the class hmmmm....
T: Yeah it sucked; me was the target of any cocky boy's superiority complex and spent my younger days fighting until I thought that anyone I met was going to be a fight.
O: Who are you telling I look at her and it is almost like we never even went through middle school together? She is trying to be all sweet and soft. You know best Tosin that is not who you are.
T: I know and understand where both of you are coming from, but I can't explain it. It is inside of me and it can't get out.
O: What! That is the stupidest thing I ever heard. You have nothing inside of you it is all in your head. And even if you did you should be strong enough to keep your feelings to yourself. Man, you have become so weak.
T: I am not weak I am just changing.
F: Changing. I don't think so it seems to me like you are dying.
T: Dying! I'm not dying! I have never been
F: No you are not listening Tosin, your essence is dying. You are losing who you are daily
O: and replacing it with this affected weak version of yourself. Remember times with me? All the fun we had. Hanging out with friends AND Anthony. You know you love him.
T: Yeah, I do love Anthony he was so handsome suave charming...No no no, middle school was the worst time in my life. I was addicted to porn. I thought about suicide from dawn till dusk. I would pop prescription pills in the hope that when I went to sleep I wouldn't wake up. I cut myself with the hope that physical pain would get rid of emotional pain. I was a monster. I wanted to hurt other people so they could feel how I felt. I carried a spirit of depression and hatred along with me like a child keeps a special blanket with them. I can't go back there.
F: But you must go back Tosin. Remember elementary school? All the playing and smartness and fun. Remember when you were the only girl in the class hmmmm....
T: Yeah it sucked; me was the target of any cocky boy's superiority complex and spent my younger days fighting until I thought that anyone I met was going to be a fight.
Monday, November 10, 2008
I am, I am not
I am a Christian
I am not perfect, nor do I think I am perfect
I am a social person
I am not a club hopping bebopping stereotypical part girl
I am a big girl
I am not one of those people who go through 12 plates at the buffet line
I am kind
I am not the person who will let you walk over me
I am smart
I am not some one who knows it all
I am focused
I am not an android
I am opinionated
I am not a jerk who will try to force my opinions on you
I am close with my family
I am not a baby who will never move out
I am Oluwatosin Oluwafunke Dolapo Akande
I am not who I was
I am not perfect, nor do I think I am perfect
I am a social person
I am not a club hopping bebopping stereotypical part girl
I am a big girl
I am not one of those people who go through 12 plates at the buffet line
I am kind
I am not the person who will let you walk over me
I am smart
I am not some one who knows it all
I am focused
I am not an android
I am opinionated
I am not a jerk who will try to force my opinions on you
I am close with my family
I am not a baby who will never move out
I am Oluwatosin Oluwafunke Dolapo Akande
I am not who I was
Sunday, November 9, 2008
August 31
August 31. Ordinary men think of the day as nothing greater than a speck in the artistry of a year; I on the other hand believe it is the day the fates ruled anguish for me. Pure and unfettered embarrassment commenced the moment my eyes caught a glimpse of the rising sun-my birthday. Twenty years, not once have I received a slightly unproblematic birthday.
My, actual day of birth my mother was in labor pain-the great pain known to man(well woman)-because she foolishly decided not to take the epidural shot. She kept passing in and out of consciousness and after twenty-seven hours of labor she gave birth to her only child. It is easy to think this is a glorious moment. It’s not. In some sort of intense mind altering pain she named me, Anita Mann Sweat, out of confusion. When she was finally in a coherent state of mind, she asked the nurse to bring in her baby girl Annabelle May Sweat. The nurse told her that the name she gave me was Anita Sweat, and it has been a label of both scorn and disgrace since.
Six, a pretty big birthday with that you start 1st grade and are an official big girl. No, not for me all I can remember is regretting my mother picking a circus theme for my birthday party. Animals everywhere and they smelled dreadful. Then Oboe the monkey pooped on my shoe. The party took a severe turn when Carver the Clown came though. He did magic tricks; he painted faces; and my all time favorite he made balloon animals. He fashioned simple balloons into works of art: cats, dogs, giraffes, crowns, birds, and swords. He then asked us if we wanted to see a new balloon creation. So he inflated the balloon and began to twist and turn the balloon into different angles. In the end he had made two balls and a stick in the middle-a penis. My mom called the police. Later we found out Carver the Clown previously was booked for previous child molestation charges.
Double digits the big one zero. It was a pretty good birthday until I sat on a strawberry cupcake and earned a new name, Bloody Butt. I didn’t even know what it meant until my mom explained, “Anita, do you remember when your teacher talked to you about homonyms? Well, the word period is a homonym. One period comes at the end of the sentence and the other period comes at the end of the month......”
Oh and who could forget a sweet sixteen? I wish I could. It was the first party I have ever planned and it was un-chaperoned. It started of pretty well a couple of rounds of Truth or Dare and Never Have I Ever. Then we decided to play Spin the Air Freshener-it’s an adaptation of Spin the Bottle-cause who really has bottles? I went first, and it landed on Anthony Dipper, the culmination of all things breath-taking and wholesome in teenage males. So I leaned into the kiss, forgetting everything around me. Then the lights turned on and I quickly remembered this is the worst day of my year. My parents just stood there awestruck, not to be stirred until the snicker of one single adolescent met with their ears. That snicker rapidly turned into a couple chuckles. Then the chuckles evolved into a thunderous uproar. I was still sitting there confused hoping someone would let me in on the joke. Needless to say it was me. Looking with disgust, Anthony Dipper finger rose in my direction to the floor. I turned around and looked down and there on the beige carpet laid a splotchy red stain. What a marvelous day to get one’s period. I felt as if I was in between two walls coming caving inward. I looked right, I looked left. I saw my parents’ glares and it told me, “Our daughter has taken part in fornication.” I saw the peers’ stares and they exclaimed with glee, “Look at the fool who sits in front of me.” Mortified, I was still kneeling there immobile. So I did what anyone else would do in my situation. I passed out.
Now all of that bring us to here August 30, 2008 the eve of my 21st birthday. I decided to celebrate with my family today rather than forcing them to endure the suffering that comes with a daughter with cursed birthdays. We decided to eat at Atlantic Station right near my apartment. The evening went so well I almost didn’t want to leave. We were finally asked to depart by the management around 11:47. My parents and I walked outside said our goodbyes and went to our respective homes. As I began walking I reminisced about the evening and before I knew it the clock struck midnight. I stood in the middle of the road and sang Happy Birthday to myself. As I continued with my journey home it began to rain. I sprinted to my apartment. I was approaching my destination when my feet let out under me and I tumbled head first to the ground. Lights out.
My, actual day of birth my mother was in labor pain-the great pain known to man(well woman)-because she foolishly decided not to take the epidural shot. She kept passing in and out of consciousness and after twenty-seven hours of labor she gave birth to her only child. It is easy to think this is a glorious moment. It’s not. In some sort of intense mind altering pain she named me, Anita Mann Sweat, out of confusion. When she was finally in a coherent state of mind, she asked the nurse to bring in her baby girl Annabelle May Sweat. The nurse told her that the name she gave me was Anita Sweat, and it has been a label of both scorn and disgrace since.
Six, a pretty big birthday with that you start 1st grade and are an official big girl. No, not for me all I can remember is regretting my mother picking a circus theme for my birthday party. Animals everywhere and they smelled dreadful. Then Oboe the monkey pooped on my shoe. The party took a severe turn when Carver the Clown came though. He did magic tricks; he painted faces; and my all time favorite he made balloon animals. He fashioned simple balloons into works of art: cats, dogs, giraffes, crowns, birds, and swords. He then asked us if we wanted to see a new balloon creation. So he inflated the balloon and began to twist and turn the balloon into different angles. In the end he had made two balls and a stick in the middle-a penis. My mom called the police. Later we found out Carver the Clown previously was booked for previous child molestation charges.
Double digits the big one zero. It was a pretty good birthday until I sat on a strawberry cupcake and earned a new name, Bloody Butt. I didn’t even know what it meant until my mom explained, “Anita, do you remember when your teacher talked to you about homonyms? Well, the word period is a homonym. One period comes at the end of the sentence and the other period comes at the end of the month......”
Oh and who could forget a sweet sixteen? I wish I could. It was the first party I have ever planned and it was un-chaperoned. It started of pretty well a couple of rounds of Truth or Dare and Never Have I Ever. Then we decided to play Spin the Air Freshener-it’s an adaptation of Spin the Bottle-cause who really has bottles? I went first, and it landed on Anthony Dipper, the culmination of all things breath-taking and wholesome in teenage males. So I leaned into the kiss, forgetting everything around me. Then the lights turned on and I quickly remembered this is the worst day of my year. My parents just stood there awestruck, not to be stirred until the snicker of one single adolescent met with their ears. That snicker rapidly turned into a couple chuckles. Then the chuckles evolved into a thunderous uproar. I was still sitting there confused hoping someone would let me in on the joke. Needless to say it was me. Looking with disgust, Anthony Dipper finger rose in my direction to the floor. I turned around and looked down and there on the beige carpet laid a splotchy red stain. What a marvelous day to get one’s period. I felt as if I was in between two walls coming caving inward. I looked right, I looked left. I saw my parents’ glares and it told me, “Our daughter has taken part in fornication.” I saw the peers’ stares and they exclaimed with glee, “Look at the fool who sits in front of me.” Mortified, I was still kneeling there immobile. So I did what anyone else would do in my situation. I passed out.
Now all of that bring us to here August 30, 2008 the eve of my 21st birthday. I decided to celebrate with my family today rather than forcing them to endure the suffering that comes with a daughter with cursed birthdays. We decided to eat at Atlantic Station right near my apartment. The evening went so well I almost didn’t want to leave. We were finally asked to depart by the management around 11:47. My parents and I walked outside said our goodbyes and went to our respective homes. As I began walking I reminisced about the evening and before I knew it the clock struck midnight. I stood in the middle of the road and sang Happy Birthday to myself. As I continued with my journey home it began to rain. I sprinted to my apartment. I was approaching my destination when my feet let out under me and I tumbled head first to the ground. Lights out.
Welcome to Life
We live behind painted faces
Behind good graces
Behind glass walls
We come out never
Hiding is much better
We laugh when others fall
We accept no one
We kill with guns
We trample on the small
So I am leaving today
I've over welcomed my stay
Jesus is now my all
Behind good graces
Behind glass walls
We come out never
Hiding is much better
We laugh when others fall
We accept no one
We kill with guns
We trample on the small
So I am leaving today
I've over welcomed my stay
Jesus is now my all
Thursday, October 16, 2008
EthnoPOP needs to EthnoSTOP
Ethnopop you deceiver, you disguise yourself with the eloquence of your name, but provide only pain and suffering to those you meet. Your melodious sounds play an anthem that is appealing to ear, but torturous to the souls of those it murders. The conductor of your symphony slays his listeners. We run trying to escape from your maniacal grasp, but you don’t let go. You don’t free us from your heinousness. Rather you bind us in captivity, crushing our spirits, beating our minds, kicking poison into our gut. We want nothing more than the freedom from your demonic hand. With enthusiasm, you lure us. We gaily glide toward you, unaware that you conduct your symphony with a spear. We approach dumbfounded, blinded, and manipulated. We succumb to you. We bow to you. We fall at you feet in fear of what will become of us. Daily we attempt to escape your grasp, but your claws deeply tear at our souls. Your glare steals pieces of our joy. I am torn. I am broken. You shatter the aspirations of freedom you extend your time of torture from minutes to nearly two hours. Devouring the hearts of the weak, that is your portion. That is your portion.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
[untitled]
I must leave what a was
To become who I want to be.
Who am I going to be?
What will I see?
In the end will I still be me?
I give it away.
To ge it all back
No cards in my stack.
It's no more an act.
I am annoyed with all of that.
I shall never be missed
I am always near.
And if I hold you dear
There is nothing to here
I shall still be right here
To close and to open
I am through
I am due
I am new
I am you
To become who I want to be.
Who am I going to be?
What will I see?
In the end will I still be me?
I give it away.
To ge it all back
No cards in my stack.
It's no more an act.
I am annoyed with all of that.
I shall never be missed
I am always near.
And if I hold you dear
There is nothing to here
I shall still be right here
To close and to open
I am through
I am due
I am new
I am you
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Good Bye
No one thinks their time will be over
In a year or two
But when that time comes along
It hurts to see were through
If we knew this pain would come
We wouldn't have captured each others hearts
It's hard to see me leave
But by growing up we're also growing a part
It's time to go
Right now's time to leave
So many things we have done
And even more we have seen
Here we close a chapter
We start a brand new page
Don't be scared of what's going on
For it's time to change
I'm so scared I'm going to lose you
I'm so scared you will forget me
I'm so scared, but I really love you
I wish all good memories would remain
I'm so scared I'll be failure
I'm so scared I'll mess up
I'm so scared you will not love me
When all I need is love
If I had known what I knew before
Would it make me love you more
Would you be any closer to my heart
I can't answer these many questions
But there is one thing I can mention
With our memories we are never far apart
In a year or two
But when that time comes along
It hurts to see were through
If we knew this pain would come
We wouldn't have captured each others hearts
It's hard to see me leave
But by growing up we're also growing a part
It's time to go
Right now's time to leave
So many things we have done
And even more we have seen
Here we close a chapter
We start a brand new page
Don't be scared of what's going on
For it's time to change
I'm so scared I'm going to lose you
I'm so scared you will forget me
I'm so scared, but I really love you
I wish all good memories would remain
I'm so scared I'll be failure
I'm so scared I'll mess up
I'm so scared you will not love me
When all I need is love
If I had known what I knew before
Would it make me love you more
Would you be any closer to my heart
I can't answer these many questions
But there is one thing I can mention
With our memories we are never far apart
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